Why is it so much easier to write feelings down than it is to say them? I have never been all that great at voicing my feelings unless I’m angry or frustrated about something. I’ll tell someone off if they deserve it but rarely will I express real feelings out loud.
That said, I think everyone has feelings of inadequacy from time to time. Unfortunately I feel like that a lot of the time. I could be a better mother, friend, family member, wife. Depression sucks that way.
Here’s the thing. The Husband and I have been married for five and a half years, together for eight and a half. When we started dating Red was six and his
father donor was still in the picture and took him every other weekend for visits. This meant that The Husband, then The Boyfriend, and I had dates every other weekend. When Red was eight his donor dropped out of the picture completely and The Husband and I haven’t had a date since, unless you count a work Christmas party in 2012. You read that right, ONE date in the past six plus years. There is a whole host of reasons excuses why that is and I have to admit that it’s wearing on me a bit.
For the past year or so I feel like I am just a mom and am no longer much of a friend, daughter, or more importantly, wife. Don’t get me wrong, being a parent is the most important job a person can have and I love my kids and love being here for them but it doesn’t leave me much energy to also be a wife at the end of the day. Parenting a high needs toddler and a teenager with ADHD and I’m toast. Done, I tell you. I may have energy to muster up a mindless adult conversation but not much more than that.
Something needs to change.
A few months back I read a blog post about a woman who said that she puts her husband before her kids. I admit that I was pretty flabbergasted at that idea. Maybe it’s my feminist tendencies and that notion seemed so archaic to me. I pictured this woman catering to her husband’s every whim with slippers and a newspaper in hand and a fake June Cleaver smile when he comes home from work. This is NOT me. I am a very independent woman and while I obviously love my husband, I couldn’t get behind that idea AT ALL. I am his wife, not his mother.
I’m not a helicopter mom but my kids are my world and as a child I felt like I didn’t come first and swore that my children would (hopefully) never feel that way. But, you know what? When I discussed it with other women and thought about it more it started to make more sense. I don’t think I could ever put someone before my children but making both an equal priority is something that I probably need to work on. At the end of the day, the kids will move out and start to live their own lives independently from us and all The Husband and I will have is each other, a porch swing, and a glass of lemonade.
Okay, fine. Each other, the couch, and a cold beer.
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