I admit it, I am not the most confident person in the world. I have a tough outer shell but that’s because I am very sensitive and my feelings can get hurt pretty easily. When that happens I lash out and defend myself to the best of my ability but other people’s words and actions stay with me. They stay with me for a very long time, in fact. Days, weeks, months, years. It depends on the level of the offense how long I will internalize it and how much it will affect me in the long run.
Truth time. You may have noticed that I’ve been kind of quiet for the past few months. Part of it was family birthdays and holidays but a big part of it has been a combination of a guilt trip and my confidence taking a nosedive. It wasn’t intentional, at least I don’t think it was. Sometimes when you come to blows with someone things are said that shouldn’t be or maybe that’s when the truth really comes out. I don’t know, I can’t speak for others but someone made me feel guilty and less than for no longer being able to stomach working my corporate job.
I was accused of being an internet addict and that I don’t have a real job. Hold the phone on both of those, man. Just hold it right there.
These days I think most people are attached to the internet in some way, whether it’s for pleasure, information, or business. Of course I use the internet for fun and keeping up with friends and family but in my case it’s most often used for business purposes. To someone who doesn’t know exactly what I have to do to keep this thing afloat it might look like I’m just playing on the computer all day but all the whatnot that goes along with having a blog takes time just like any other job does. I admit that it looks like I’m goofing around on the internet a lot because I am. I won’t deny that because it’s my job.
About that job. Because I don’t get up at the crack of dawn to rush out of the house to go to an office means that I don’t have a real job? I see. I work on this blog for at least six hours a day, pay taxes, and am mom on demand and I don’t have a real job? Okay. Gotcha.
So I’ve been feeling pretty guilty about being on the computer lately and I have lost some confidence in what I’m doing since I was basically told that my work isn’t good enough. Because I dare to try to balance making money while being home with my kids instead of the office job that sucked the life out of me. I’ve been a little grumpy and bummed out so writer’s block hit pretty hard.
But you know what? I have to put my big girl panties on, dust myself off and get back to doing what makes me happy. I have been given this amazing opportunity to finally do what I love to do and I can’t give up on what I’ve worked so hard for. I just can’t. I won’t. You can’t get rid of me that easily.